anchises: (Default)
anchises ([personal profile] anchises) wrote2010-03-04 08:19 pm

The fourth epistle of JD Nielson. Mezzanine. Mature.

The fourth epistle of JD Nielson

by Anchises

Mezzanine universe. Mildly mature themes and content. A transformative work.

Creative Commons License

oh my fucking god mitchell,

why, for the grace of our lord jesus christ, and the love of god, and the fellowship of the holy motherfucking ghost, are there (i counted) twenty-six bottles of various and sundry forms of cooking oil in the bottom pantry in that cavernous yonic replacement that you call the kitchen and i call the fiery, fiery domain of despair, duty, devotion, dishes and deliciousness?

i can understand several different kinds of oil, mitchell, truly i can. i have even, after far too many years clasped to your bosom, formerly pert and lovely and now, alas, sagging like a harbor on the long island sound, sagging like sag mir wo die busen sind, clasped in mitchell armen (wohin, wohin, wohin), come to realise (a) the difference, (b) the taste, and (c) the purpose of peanut oil vs vegetable oil vs sunflower oil vs canola oil vs the world. i have, like a lesbian exploring her first local wholefood homemade slowfood organic vegan cafe, come to appreciate the point of cold pressed extra virgin single grove olive oil.

but, mitchell, my darling, my darling, my darling, mitchell my darling, the none too young anymore grenadier, what the fucking fuck could you possibly fucking want with twenty-six fucking bottles of oil? are you planning to oil up the kitchen floor and slide around it on your ample ass? are you planning to grease some poles for me to slide up and down like i'm at the buncombe county fair? (if so, i would like to request jerzy at the polish restaurant near the hardware store, tomasz who you'll remember was the one with the prodigiously long cock, and stanislas who delivers the drycleaning for mrs park when her son is at college.) i am, clearly, mitchell, at a complete fucking loss. i am like a p&l account if you remove the profit. i am lossy like a thrice-re-ripped mp3 track. i am scattered and absorbed like round-trip loss. i am so much at a loss that i am actually loess. i need a fucking stop-loss policy.

what, st mitchell the archangel, are you doing with all that fucking oil? i feel that i should have been notified of any intentions to start a biodiesel production line in our back yard, or if you were going to turn into a local branch of the minutemen and mix it with fertilizer to blow shit up. not, of course, that i am in any way opposed to blowing shit up in principle, depending on whose shit it is (i.e., not ours; hopefully, that goatraping earfucker with the suv who you keyed for the third time outside the drugstore yesterday), but i would like to request that you consult me in the event of any change of profession or the development of an intention to become an outlaw.

sesame oil, soybean oil, walnut oil, mustard oil, coconut oil, grapeseed oil, almond oil, pistachio oil, poppyseed oil, bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinogens, men? moooooooo, i say to you, mitchell, mooooooo, because even starting to recall part of the list of the ridiculous quantity of oils you have in your boudiccan boutique boudoir of bounty turns me into a rent-quoting nutjob.

rice bran oil. i literally have nothing to say about rice bran oil, mitchell.

and what the fuck is a safflower?

y'r ob'd't (and oleaginous) s'rv't,


ps. where's my fucking crisco?
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2010-03-04 08:30 pm (UTC)(link)
*is getting Looked At by the other library patrons for laughing so hard*
lomedet: voluptuous winged fairy with curly dark hair (Default)

[personal profile] lomedet 2010-03-04 08:39 pm (UTC)(link)
cavernous yonic replacement that you call the kitchen

that? is what I call a turn of phrase.

synecdochic: torso of a man wearing jeans, hands bound with belt (Default)

[personal profile] synecdochic 2010-03-04 09:54 pm (UTC)(link)
My dearest, darlingest Nielson,

I must admit, my first impulse here was to write out a 4000-line screed about the differences between all of the various oil products available in our pantry, from smoke point to flavor to chemical composition to levels of refining to suitability for alternate purposes such as massage to saturation point, et cetera ad infinitum, but as usual five seconds on the font of all knowledge with the antisocial gatekeepers would edumacate you. Never let it be said that I am too lazy to Google that for you.

The sesame oil is for the Asian cuisine; the soybean oil is for the salad dressings; the walnut oil is for baked goods, the grapeseed oil is for stir-fry (and massage), the coconut oil is for the fryer when the fryer is being used for beignets and donuts, the canola oil is for the fryer when the fryer is being used for savory things, and safflower, aka Carthamus tinctorius, is a poor man's saffron. However, this does raise the question (see, Nielson? I am not so gauche as to misuse the term 'begs the question', no matter how far into common vernacular it has incorrectly spread), and I ask for your indulgence as I explore it:

What the ever-living cunting fuck were you doing in my pantry long enough to enumerate the above? The webcam is provided so that you may decide where the next eight thousand calories are coming from before you open the door.

Keep it up and I'm going to revoke your visa for the kitchen and only reinstate it during the hours of food and dishes.

love and bunnies,

(PS: Your fucking Crisco is in the fucking toybox where you fucking put it after your fucking shopping trip, you fucking fuck.)
grammarwoman: (Default)

[personal profile] grammarwoman 2010-03-04 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, Cammie's back in rare form - nice to see her again 'round these parts!
azurelunatic: "#dw (yes, we can)" and a clenched fist (#dw)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2010-03-05 09:24 am (UTC)(link)
always time for fisting. :D

Also, there are some things that you really *can* say with flowers!!
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2010-03-05 09:22 am (UTC)(link)
Of *course* there's a webcam.
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2012-07-28 10:51 pm (UTC)(link)
grammarwoman: (Default)

[personal profile] grammarwoman 2010-03-04 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
I would be snickering harder at this, except....that'swhatmykitchencupboardlookslike. And I don't even cook all that much!

This, though, is a sampler-worthy masterwork: your boudiccan boutique boudoir of bounty. Brav-O.
sid: (jdn)

[personal profile] sid 2010-03-04 11:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Aha! It all comes down to the Crisco. I shoulda known.

*wants to move into that kitchen and wallow oilily*
j00j: rainbow over east berlin plattenbau apartments (Default)

[personal profile] j00j 2010-03-05 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
These continue to crack me up on a daily basis. I love it!

And dammit, now I'm thinking about buying pumpkin seed oil again. I only have two or three kinds of oil, so clearly I don't have a problem yet.
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2010-03-05 09:21 am (UTC)(link)
Naturally my head is now CHEERFULLY SINGING ALONG.

(only thing to do is jump over the moon)
catchmyfancy: (eeexcellent)

[personal profile] catchmyfancy 2010-03-05 01:27 pm (UTC)(link)
dear god - JD and Cammie bitching! Properly bitching at each other in splendid fucking form!

My smile is currently lighting up an entire suburb.

sara: S (Default)

[personal profile] sara 2010-03-06 04:46 am (UTC)(link)'s like a sunflower, but Fier. ;>
juliet: pan of roast potatoes! (roast potatoes!)

[personal profile] juliet 2010-03-06 09:14 am (UTC)(link)
I think we only have 5 bottles of oil so far. I want to move into Cammie's kitchen!
watersword: Keira Knightley, in Pride and Prejudice (2007), turning her head away from the viewer, the word "elizabeth" written near (Default)

[personal profile] watersword 2010-03-06 01:48 pm (UTC)(link)
What the fuck was fucking Neilson doing in the fucking kitchen for long enough to count the fucking oil bottles? There are rules about this sort of thing for exactly this reason; some days, a girl just does not want to have to explain shit to a brain-damaged marsupialfucker like Neilson.

::reads comments::

rhianona: (Methos with sword)

[personal profile] rhianona 2010-03-09 04:13 am (UTC)(link)
am amused. Especially by the RENT reference, because honestly? the fact that jd makes that connection is just hilarious to me.
feanna: The cover of an old German children's book I inherited from my mother (Default)

[personal profile] feanna 2010-03-10 09:26 pm (UTC)(link)
There is now a shop in our mall where one can buy only oil and vinegar (and a very few other foodstuffs, like for christmas, they had spoons with chocolate on them for dunking into hot milk to make hot chocolate). It sits there in vats and you have to buy a bottle (or bring one, I guess) and have it filled (some popular ones are prefilled). It's not a big store, but it exists.

If I had the money and the space I would probably own that many kinds of oil simply because I'm bad at picking. I feel the fact that Cammie actually uses them (and has reasons for which she uses when) makes her very superior to hypothetical rich me (not that I wasn't aware that she's much cooler than me before now).
vofpracticality: (hot jack)

[personal profile] vofpracticality 2010-03-11 08:24 am (UTC)(link)
Ok. Second paragraph shows that jdn is hanging around with Daniel way way way too much.
quinfirefrorefiddle: Sophie from Leverage, in black and white, looking over her shoulder. (Default)

[personal profile] quinfirefrorefiddle 2010-03-17 01:23 am (UTC)(link)
jdn made a Steve Goodman reference! You showed O'Neill's Chicago background! That was delightful. (I mean, so was the rest, but the Steve Goodman reference was my favorite. Far too few people know who he was anymore.)