anchises: (Default)
anchises ([personal profile] anchises) wrote2010-03-03 12:27 am

The second epistle of JD Nielson. Mezzanine. Mature.

The second epistle of JD Nielson

by Anchises

Mezzanine universe. Mildly mature themes and content. A transformative work.

Creative Commons License

my dear mitchell,

sound the trumpets, bang the drums, clash the cymbals, start cooking up a storm of your homemade hungry man dinners, for i am victorious and we will be on tomorrow night's connecting flight from dfw, and since the brits want some revisions i have a strange and unnatural feeling that none of us are going to be seeing the light of day for a week. still! i am victorious, champion, triumphant!

fine, *we* are triumphant, mitchell, because daniel is sitting over my shoulder and i swear to god i am about to punch him in the cock -- ah, that's better, he's gone to use his own goddamned laptop.

you will, no doubt, fail to recall sir adrian bellington, formerly 'bell-end', on account of your advanced age and mental decrepitude. if you will permit me to enlighten you, and (since, if you had failed to notice, on account &c, I am currently over five thousand miles and a good dozen hours in flight away from you, and i have hacked your notifications to play cher's 'believe' throughout the entire house until you open any email from me containing the phrase 'operate fulcrum eggplant flange quincunx', you really don't have a choice) i shall assume you will, bell-end is the crazy fucking brit who helped us out with that little access problem we had in northwest china. (did you know, by the way, that the chinese word for 'sheep' and 'goat' is the same? i feel slightly bad about calling that nice pla man who insisted on pulling apart our code a motherraping goatfucker now, even if he did deserve it.)

sir bell-end, at any rate, and jesus motherfucking christ, daniel, i don't care that the cultural form is to follow the 'sir' with his first name, and do you really want me to hack your bedroom's tv so that you have all night russian lesbo porn?

sir bell-end, mitchell, now that we are again alone, is currently lord high chap in charge of the brits' counterterrorist software, after the minor scandal with the five al qaeda goons they managed to hire out of cambridge. he says hi. so does his boyfriend. i guess the brits figure that the queen is unlikely to betray the king. bellum bellum belli bello bello bella bella bellorum bellis bell-end, delightful man that he is, apparently likes version 4, and i quote, 'better than buggery and offal, and you can tell madam colonel that verbatim, you bloody code wizard shirtlifter'. he then 'broke out the bolly', which is not code for an obscure british act with cucumber sandwiches, an umbrella and an inbred german, but is in fact a champagne called bollinger that is like hot boys 69ing on your tongue, and daniel, if you don't stop making comments i swear to god i am going to tie you to the chair.

daniel sends his regards. or, more accurately, he says 'mmph mmph', which doesn't really sound like 'please let me out, jd, and i promise not to fucking rubberneck when you are emailing mitchell on the satphone vpn that costs us more than the case of bollinger that sir bell-end has had shipped to her so she can taste it', so you'll forgive my confusion, mitchell, if i do not pass on the specific thing that he is trying to say through my boxer briefs.

so version 4 is a go. the brits want their own people to swarm over components a, j and ab like an outbreak of fungus in a bathhouse, but i'm mostly okay with that as long as they don't screw it up like those navy cocksuckers did, and if you quote me kelly's rule 15 I will fuck daniel with a tubload of lube on your side of the sheets before you go to bed.

since i have not (a) been notified that your two boy-cousins have been arrested, (b) heard of an outpouring of outrage from fathers of daughters in the area surrounding our fair abode, (c) received an email from you bitching, nor (d) heard from your momma wondering why you need her to bail you out of jail, i will assume that your visit from the captains griffith was fun, or at least did not involve anything legally actionable. i will also assume that you informed skipper that he was under no circumstances to drive our car after the last time of giving me a fucking conniption fit, because i know you are fond of the boy and i would be heartbroken on your behalf to have to murder him with a hatchet. i have ordered the internet to send us more of my beer.

to close, darling mitchell, apple of my eye, shadow of my wings, very girl of very girl, daniel and i were planning to go out tonight, on account of having exhausted the possibilities of the restaurant in our delightful hotel room and suites. however, i have decided to fuck him senseless instead and then order in some room service.

oh, and mitchell, in case i forget, although that's unlikely given the amount of time it took to explain to the metropolitan police, never take daniel to the british museum. several japanese tour groups were offended.

see you tomorrow. and in answer to your question, lemon bars, please. i am sick to death of this french pastry nonsense.

i have the pleasure to remain, madam, now as ever,

your ob'd't s'rv't,

sid: (jdn)

[personal profile] sid 2010-03-03 02:11 am (UTC)(link)

Daniel totally did it on purpose and is gonna totally get what he was asking for. *eg*

*crosses fingers for Skipper's continued good health*
lomedet: voluptuous winged fairy with curly dark hair (Default)

[personal profile] lomedet 2010-03-03 07:49 am (UTC)(link)
Mezzanine JD is my favorite JD of all JDs ever, and you have his voice down perfectly.

I would feel a little bad for Daniel, except for how he is so clearly enjoying himself. *g*
azurelunatic: "Fangirl": <user name="azurelunatic"> and a folding fan.  (fangirl)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2010-03-03 09:22 am (UTC)(link)
by the time it reached "the queen is unlikely to betray the king", I was crying laughing.
jeshyr: Daniel Jackson looking thoughtful (Daniel Jackson)

[personal profile] jeshyr 2010-03-03 10:26 am (UTC)(link)
1. Daniel so very much wanted jdn to be doing that :)

2. The cat is asleep on my chest and in an effort not to scare him this time I may possibly have given myself an aneurysm. Totally worth it!

3. i have hacked your notifications to play cher's 'believe' throughout the entire house until you open any email from me containing the phrase 'operate fulcrum eggplant flange quincunx'

OMG yes he so would and also jdn is evil.

4. #3 is not news :)

5. Daniel in a British museum YES!

6. I really hope there's, like, 100 of these epistles because I would read them all at least twice. They are indeed brilliant and classic and so very much now canon in my brain.

7. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!eveventybbq!1
pauamma: Cartooney crab holding drink (Default)

[personal profile] pauamma 2010-03-04 04:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Speaking of the Rosetta Stone: last time I saw it, the blurb burbled blurbingly (say that twice fast) about the languages/scripts on it, and the 3 parts being the same thing in different languages, and how it enabled Chomp-a-lion (or is that pronounced Chump a-lyin'?) to figure out the hieroglyphs, and nowhere it says anything about what the inscriptions mean. (I found that extremely frustrating.)
pauamma: Cartooney crab holding drink (Default)

[personal profile] pauamma 2010-03-05 10:46 am (UTC)(link)
Unfortunately, neither those nor widespread WiFi (or mobile data) networks existed ca 12 years ago.
juliet: Avatar of me with blue hair & jeans (blue hair jeans avatar)

[personal profile] juliet 2010-03-06 09:04 am (UTC)(link)
I *think* it does now... or at any rate, I don't recall being irritated by that the last time I visited (few months back).

The British Museum do not like you wandering around barefoot, although it was nearly an hour before anyone noticed & ticked me off. (it was summer! I didn't want to carry round sandals as well as climbing shoes & bike shoes!)

More general comment: awesomeness :) I note in passing that you have anticipated HMQEII's death; entirely reasonable given the timelines, except for my personal belief that she is actually a cyborg & will never die. Or at least will hang on in there for long enough to avoid Charles taking over.

/me heads off to read the next couple of bits.
synecdochic: torso of a man wearing jeans, hands bound with belt (Default)

[personal profile] synecdochic 2010-03-04 12:58 am (UTC)(link)
I love your jdn so fucking much. *g*
synecdochic: torso of a man wearing jeans, hands bound with belt (Default)

[personal profile] synecdochic 2010-03-04 01:35 am (UTC)(link)
I suppose that means you're willing to keep him off my hands for a while. *hopeful look*
synecdochic: torso of a man wearing jeans, hands bound with belt (Default)

[personal profile] synecdochic 2010-03-04 01:40 am (UTC)(link)
cesy: Congratulations! You win the internet. (Win Internet)

[personal profile] cesy 2010-03-04 09:53 pm (UTC)(link)
This had me laughing so hard. JD is a genius.
pauamma: Cartooney crab holding drink (Default)

[personal profile] pauamma 2010-03-05 10:47 am (UTC)(link)
Same difference.
shippen_stand: Written by a Shippen (Default)

[personal profile] shippen_stand 2010-03-05 11:58 pm (UTC)(link)
i have hacked your notifications to play cher's 'believe' throughout the entire house until you open any email from me containing the phrase 'operate fulcrum eggplant flange quincunx', you really don't have a choice


/cleans monitor and keyboard/
staranise: A star anise floating in a cup of mint tea (Default)

[personal profile] staranise 2010-03-10 07:29 am (UTC)(link)
This is awesome. And Daniel in the British Museum would be CLASSIC. Somebody needs to write that.

(And eee, JD and Skipper would have such totally different driving styles. Since it's my personal belief that Skipper is what Jack looked like at 25-30...)

I love your JD.